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AngelWitHalo12
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Name: Jessica
Birthday: 1/19/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: Acting, Singing, My friends, Being in Jazz band, Saying words backwards, Writing poems, Listening to music for like countless hours, Walking in the rain, Long car rides, Deep talks, Shopping, Text messaging, Being on AIM, Acting like a total moron, Making up real gay songs, Lipgloss, Talking on the phone, AVENGED SEVENFOLD!, MATT SHADOWS!, and doing stupid shit.
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  jesslovesyou25
Yahoo:  JessicaB12521
Member Since:
1/16/2004
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I really just kind of wish I had the guts to kill myself.
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| Life sucks.
I have no friends.
I barely have a job.
I'm out of school.. getting my GED but its not what I want.
I can't wait to just move and leave everything behind.
I want a place of my own where no one can bother me.
I want to meet new people, and forget everyone here.
I'm just sick of it all.
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| i hate people.
i can't take it anymore.
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| So I'm doing terrible with my weight. I feel like I take up so much
space. I looked at myself in the mirror today, and I just saw this fat
girl. I feel so gross it's not even funny.
I've been thinking a lot tonight, and I'm lonely. I really am. I don't
get it. Why is it, that the people who don't deserve to be happy are?
Unless I'M the person who doesn't deserve to be happy. It pisses me off
so much, when people who have been in a REAL relationship recently
whines and cries about how they're lonely, and how they need someone.
Well I've never had anyone. I've never had anyone that I can trust like
that. That I can depend on, and be with, and hold. Ever. And I've been
fine without it. But now I want to know how it feels. I'm scared of
being alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to live alone. I was
with Breana and her boyfriend for the weekend in Massachusetts.
And it got me thinking.. they fight a lot, but their love is so
great, that the fighting can't even break them apart, because they care
about each other so much. I've never had someone care about me that
much. Except for my family. Not even my own friends care about me that
much. I'm know I'm nothing special. Now a days, you have to be pretty
and skinny to actually have someone care about you in that way. I'm
neither of those things. Especially lately.
No one understands what I went through with the whole Chris situation
and what I'm still going through. He hurt me more than anyone knows. A
lot of people don't even know the half of it. I'm over him using me,
yes. And I'm over most of what he did to me. But for people to think
that I'm to blame for this whole thing and judge me as a bad person for
no reason? It's not needed. He knows what went on. I know what went on.
The amount of people who haven't spoken a word to me this year is
unbelieveable. But you know, thats fine. Because I know I told the
truth about everything, and nothing will get int he way of that. He
won't get in the way of that. Tiffany won't get in the way of that,
either will any of the people who have been turned against me. And its
so sad, that they do what they can in their power to make me so upset.
Like stand next to the people I hang out with (they never stood there
before) and hold each other, and kiss each other.. just to make me
upset. I pretend it doesn't bother me, because everyones sick of
listening to me.. but it does. So much. I saw them in the parking lot
Friday when Breana dropped me off to get my car, I hated it. They made
me hate them so much that I almost got into an accident pulling out,
because I got so angry just seeing them, and soo angry from them just
watching me.
No one understands how he made me feel.
He made me feel like I'm worthless. And undesireable.
I don't know who my real friends are. I still don't. I need somenoe who
cares about me. Who loves me unconditionally. I'm tired of being alone.
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| My eating is getting so out of control
I really need xanga now.
I'm soo fat. I'm gaining soo much weight. Too much weight.
Yesterday I had..
A buttered hardroll and a poptart for breakfast.
2 sandwiches from mcdonalds for lunch.
and 3 slices of pizza for dinner... ughh.
and then today. Here goes.
I had... a buttered hardrolls and poptarts for breakfast again.
chicken fingers and mashed potatoes (school lunch) for lunch.
Then I had 2 slices of pizza when I got to work.
Then I put in some boneless buffalo wings. Ate all except 3.
Then I had another slice before I left.
And then I ate 2 when I got home.
Thats 4 fucking slices of pizza.
I only used to eat 1!
What is happening to me? Whats wrong with me? I don't understand. I don't want to be any bigger than Iused to be.
I'm huge now. I'm staring at my fucking fat thighs and big stomach.
Food diet. Thats it.
No soda. JUST WATER, or UNSWEETENED ICED TEA.
Exercise everyday starting tomorrow.
Controlled eating.
Can you say salad eating for the rest of my life?
Not even kidding.
Thats it.
I've never been so disqusted with my body.
I want to cry so much.
1 salad a day, thats it.
And my mom can't stop me from just eating salad, because shes never
home when I'm home. She starts her new job friday.. works 7 days a
week. Friday-Tuesday.. til 7. Wednesday & thursday til 10. Soo
I hate myself so goddamn much.
why does my life have to be soo goddamn hard.
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